Just like that..another one begins

So I was so excited about my break from school. It seemed SOO long.I did get a nice weekend getaway to Nashville, just me and my mom. It was so nice to be able to relax and get out of town for even a weekend. Helped me ensure that I'd go into the new semester completely relaxed. And yes..>I'm repeating Adult 1. *BIG SIGH* Trust me, that was NOT in the cards for nursing school. In fact I'll be in nursing school a lot long than I'd originally planned. But, I guess the whole point is to be the best nurse I can be, not necessarily graduate the quickest. Its so funny, today was the first day I saw my old clinical instructor since last semester when I confided to her I was probably going to repeat. She was nothing but encouraging today. She gave me a big hug and assured me that this was the best thing for me. She said some of her best students in her senior class had to repeat adult 1. Even though the teachers didn't acknowledge that I was repeating, they also seemed to be nice to me. It's nice to know that they don't regard me as a horrible student since I'm repeating. It'll be interesting to see what the semester brings that's for sure! I'm excited about my new clinical instructor too. I heard she's great and the floor I'm on sounds like it'll be quite interesting :) I've even managed to get some semblance of a gym schedule back. I've re-uped on Weight Watchers..again. Don't ask how many times I've joined because I've lose count. But I'm slowly but surely getting back into the saddle. Just like school, it doesn't matter how quickly I do it, but that I do it the best I can! I've been working some crazy hours at work. But that's ok. I really like working in the ER. I pretty much can work WHENEVER I need to, and I like that I'm becoming valuable down there..since I have a feeling change is coming in the department I started in. Whatever happens though, I love where I work. I can really see myself retiring from there! We've stated back in PREP at church too. My class is definitely proving to be entertaining this year. I'm looking forward to what's to come. I've been doing dismissal again for the kids coming through RCIA. They'll eventually take the sacaraments (Communion, Baptism, Confirmation) at Easter Vigil (like I did.) I love my church, my parish family, and my faith and I hope that they find the same comfort and love. It still amazes me the misconceptions that some people have about the Catholic faith and the downright objections they have to it when you simply explain. I've come to realize that everyone's spiritual journey is different but we should never criticize what paths others take to God. I've had people ask me about Catholic beliefs then tell me I'm wrong, with pity in their voice. Like "You actually believe that? really?" It's sad to me really. But all I can do is continue to live the Catholic faith the best way I know how and simply pray for those that criticize Catholicism and refuse to actually listen to what it's really about. Today marks the 12th anniversary of September 11. I still remember Sept 11 2001 like it was yesteday. I was a senior in high school and in first period when I heard the news. It still makes me terribly sad, and I hope and pray we can find some peace in this world and avoid tragedy like this again. Because of remembering Sept 11 I started reminiscing about how I thought my life would be now back then. I can honestly say my life is NOTHING like I'd thought it'd be 12 years ago. But I wouldn't have it any other way :)

Holding pattern

Well this is supposed to be my glorious break from school. It has been pretty glorious I can tell you that :) However, since I have to (sadly) repeat the class I took last semester. I have to wait to see if the Dean will let me in for the Fall or if I have to wait until Spring. AND the financial aid office is still working up my file. Which should've been done WEEKS ago... AND since I do have to repeat a class, it looks like I'm not enrolled in school at all since they deleted the classes I'd previously registered for. I do not like to be waiting on like 3 people to decide my fate for the Fall. I had decided with my advisor that I'd declare a minor and take THOSE classes in the Fall, should the Dean say she can't immediately place me back in the class. But all of this frustration makes me want to run the other way. Why do I pay boatloads of money to these people to make my life miserable???

On a more positive note, I've gotten to go to Woodruff Fontaine more since I've been out of school and I always LOVE that. I went to a costume department for the local theater to look at Victorian dresses as possibles to use for our Haunted Happenings and other events going on that weekend in October. That's always fun. I swear I should quit nursing school and become a history major!

 I've been working more at work too. In the ER! It's insane and fantastic all at the same time. (Ok I must admit I had fantasies of working in the ER since ER was on TV) FOr now, I'm going to try to push school to the farthest back of my mind and concentrate on what I can do to relax during break. And worse comes to worse, I'll run away from home before I have to tell Mike or my parents I have to take a semester off.

Sometimes life throws you a curveball

I started out this semester with the best of intentions. I was going to be the best student ever and really impress my teachers.

However...sometimes things don't go quite the way you plan...

I won't go into the gory details, just simply leave it at I'm probably looking at repeating this class.Which means a later graduation date...


*BIG SIGH*

My first initial thought was, "How could I be such a disappointment?" I've let everyone in my life down. After I retook the HESI Friday (We definitely won't touch THAT debacle), I was pretty upset. I managed to leave school without breaking down and headed to my car where I was about to start sobbing. Then I remembered I had to meet my clinical instructor to sign my final eval. Crap. I knew I was about to break my rule about not letting my teachers see me cry.

I managed to gather my composure and go meet her. She gave me a look and I knew SHE knew what had happened so I told her. She was so sweet and gave me the best advice. She said it would only make me better and that there have been a lot (she stressed this word) good (stressed this also) students who've had to repeat Adult 1 and they've gone onto graduate. She said it only made them better and not to beat myself up over it.

So I'm trying not to.

I'm still headed to take the final tomorrow (even though that's an exercise in futility if I've ever seen one). And then I guess I'll be meeting with the Dean to talk about my progression and if I can get right back into the class.

I'm heartbroken at the thought of my friends moving on without me. But I know they'll rock it and I'm right behind them! I had loads of great experiences this semester though...like the OR and clinical!

So I'm actually ok with everything that's happened. I still know that nursing school is where God wants me to be. And I intend on graduating no matter if I'm 80 when I do! (That'll be interesting though).

On another note, I'm still completely loving my job at the hospital! I've been working in the ER some too...and it gets CRAZY down there! But I wouldn't have it any other way :)

Beginning Again

deep breaths...


It was a long week.

I felt like a fool in clinical. Falling behind. Doing dumb things (squirting saline on the ceiling.....*facepalm*), fumbling with things I KNOW. Generally making a boob out of myself.

And I can't stop thinking about it.

I think I have anxiety issues. I'm trying everything. Then I'll go to the doctor to get meds. Because it's miserable. I'm anxious to the point of paranoia about dumb things.

Failing my first HESI didn't help.

And to make matters worse I felt like everyone was talking about me this week. Stupid right? I'm almost 30 years old in college for god's sake. It's not like I'm in jr high. If it was my teacher..then she would've said something TO me. So....  I'm sure they weren't. Maybe.... AHHH!! See? Anxious to the point of paranoia.

Good thing is, today is Sunday. I get a whole new week. Another chance to shine and put the dumb stuff from THIS week behind me. I'm going to study, try to get ahead on school work, try to get some exercise in, and try to relax. Because now, I'm liable to have a stroke.

I'm headed to Mass. To relax, light a candle, and pray. I refuse to go at a breakneck speed this week. I'm going to try to relax. Enjoy life. Take walks outside (because I'm broke and that's all I can afford). Connect with my patient in clinical. Those are my goals this week. And I am getting a physical, CBC, and possibly a prescription for anti-anxiety pills

We'll see how it goes

It just got real

So if anyone is actually keeping up with this blog (unlike tatatothegirls, I started this one purely for my own benefit), you're probably wondering why I haven't posted in awhile.

Well, I'll 'splain.

I've been busier than a one armed paper hanger.

Did you catch that? I Love Lucy reference AND Steel Magnolias reference. BAM. I'm that good.

Ok, no really. School has been crazy! I've been officially in clinical at the hospital twice. We pre-assess the day before clinical, in which we talk to the patient, assess them and gather data out of their chart. By that I mean, labs, meds, diagnostic tests, admitting diagnosis, diet, activity level, etc,etc. Then we come home, write patho on said diagnosis, fill out a 13 page "data sheet" in which we intrepret everything and then be in the hospital before 7 am. Needless to say I'm exhausted!!!!! Everyone EVERYONE says "it gets easier" Well... we'll see.

Then of course there's my actual schoolwork. I feel like I'm barely treading water, drowning in a sea of NCLEX and Hesi books. When I graduate I swear I'm making a bonfire with those.

I seriously feel like I'm going nuts. I try to take breaks for myself but I'm always thinking about school. NO matter what! I cannot wait to be done. This week was the lowest point I've ever been at. I seriously wanted to quit. But I didn't... However most everyone that's actually been through nursing school knows exactly how I feel. Then...there's those that don't

This past week I had a scuffle (that's putting it mildly) with a "friend." The "friend" who actually was co-coordinating the Memphis FORCE group with me that I started. So I am no longer a part of Memphis FORCE. It makes me sad...however I can't put the type of time needed into the group. When I started the group my goal was for no one to have to go through HBOC alone that was in the Memphis area. Now, there's a group. Even though I'm not a part of it anymore, I'm still proud of what was accomplished and that no one has to feel alone again.

Now I really don't want to get into details about this scuffle. Except...I'm not sure the "friend" was a "friend" to begin with. To me, a friendship is a mutual sharing of information. A mutual respect..a relationship. I started to get that I wasn't in a true friendship when I realized that she knew literally nothing about me. We'd known each other for a year or so and she literally knew nothing. And she never asked. In fact, before I got my new job, she didn't even know where I worked. I'm not sure if she knew I was adopted either. Or really anything about me. So while I'm a little sad over how things ended, I know it was for the best. I couldn't fit into the mold of what she wanted in a friend (a sheep basically...I mean the girl won't talk to people who disagree with her over the most trivial things.) so it was necessary that we part ways. Sad, but for the greater good I think.

I've put in an order at Amazon for all of these nursing school self help books. Not that I'll actually have time to READ them...but anything will be helpful. I feel like I'm hanging on to a cliff by my fingertips and barely holding on....

According to my counter it's 554 days until graduation. We'll see if I can hang on!

Southern Chick

Here lately, I've come to realize how proud of my Southern heritage I am. Yes...the South, namely Memphis has problems. But what city doesn't? Yes, I feel like some people are still in the archaeic frame of mind. Yes, I hate that Catholics are looked upon with slightly less disgust than devil worshipers and people have wild ideas about the Catholic church and refuse to listen to how it ACTUALLY is. I grew up Baptist, and while I would never change anything about how I was raised, I was shocked and disheartened by the reactions of some people in the Baptist church *whom I previously respected and held in higher regard* when I decided to become Catholic. But I digress. My point? Yes there are things that I would change. But I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

I like my sweet tea and my hot sticky summers. I like my blues music and the fact that you never really meet a stranger in the South. I wouldn't dream of ending a conversation without a "Please" "Thank you" "Yes ma'am" or "Have a nice day" or some other pleasantry. I can "Bless your heart" and "Honey" people to death. (Although I will say adding "honey" or "sweetie" can sometimes be very passive aggressive...and I have that down to an art form too). I am almost painfully polite and patient, but as the saying goes if you here me say "Oh HELL no" you should probably get out of dodge.

Even though I was born in Memphis, I've spent my entire life in a suburb. I still feel connected to the city though. I love our touristy attractions (although, I will admit I've never been to Graceland). I could spend all of my time on "Millionaire's Row" (Adams Avenue) and the Woodruff Fontaine house where I docent. I love barbeque, hole in the wall restaurants, and basketball. I seriously love basketball. And Memphis is most definitely a basketball city.

I've always seen people degrading the South and I've never been too fond of it. I'm well aware of the fact that my politeness is sometimes mistaken for naivete. I know there are some people who view the entire region as dumb and uneducated. And while there are those people here, don't lump us all together. Because that kind of stupid stereotype really just makes YOU look like the dumb and uneducated one.

I guess this is really touching a nerve lately. There was an LA sports writer who spent an entire column completely belittling Memphis. And then we beat their basketball team by 21 points...who looks dumb now?

The game I just went to at the Fed Ex Forum really showed how the city can band together. News of the article got out pretty quickly and the fans were hot going into the game.  There were signs directed at the writer, chants of "Whoop that trick" erupted across the crowd (lyrics from a song from a movie set in Memphis). It was quite a sight to behold

And today officially (pretty much) marks the end of my break from school. Tomorrow we study for the dosage exam and start reading up on chapters for our classes. And the test/orientation is Friday. And then it begins.

I also have to talk to my work about how I will have to go to class until 4:15 on Mondays and clinical possibly until 4:30 on Wednesdays...and I was hired to work 3-7. Oh boy. Hopefully it'll go well because I LOVE this job. We'll see next week!

A break...FINALLY

Well I made it through this trimester at school. Thank you baby Jesus. I managed to actually get an A out of one class (WOOHOO) and a C in the other. Honestly, that is the first A I've made in nursing school (crazy!!) since I'm really horrible at test taking. And the C..well I'm thankful for it. C means Continue! The fail rate for that class is so high Im just proud I made it out the first time around!

I'm already mentally gearing up for the summer trimester though. Starts May 3 with clinical orientation and then classes start the next Monday (I think.. I should probably check on that!) This class scares the bejesus out of me! Clinical every week, paperwork, tests, papers the list goes on ad on. Classes 5 days a week (Lord Jesus help me). I'm still scheduled to work 3-7 M-F at my new job..however unless a miracle happens (again baby Jesus we need you!) Ill have to tell them I'm in class until 4:15 once a week. I'm really hoping and praying that I can switch if a spot opens up. Because THAT is a conversation I'm not looking forward to having as I really love this job and don't want to jeopardize it. We will see!

Anyways my plans for the break are sleep, clean, sleep. work, sleep, sleep, sleep. I know there will be some all nighters pulled this summer and I'm so not looking forward to that.I NEED MY SLEEP! I've really never been able to function on no sleep so I'm pretty scared about it.

All that being said, I realized I've gained a total of 10 pounds since January. Ouch. Stress eating anyone? So on the break I'm also trying to concentrate on dropping some weight. Of course I can't really afford my Weight Watchers membership until my financial aid money comes in in a month so I'm on my own. We'll see how that goes :)

Ninety to nothing

Truth

My mind seriously goes into overdrive from the time I get out of bed (sometimes while I'm still in bed. Do you know what it's like to wake up at 3 am thinking about the appropriate way to administer a soap suds enema? Because I do) This is a typical train of thought for me in the morning:

"Oh look I have 20 minutes before I have to wake up. I'll roll back over."

(alarm goes off)

"When's the last time I took a shower? I can't remember"

"Do I have clean underwear?"

"Good grief I hope I don't have to backprime my IV lines too much"

"When do you go sterile during trach suction again?"

"Do I have time to get Starbucks before work?"

"Oh crap I forgot about my Essentials class again"

"What day is it? Isn't The Following on tonight?'

"Good lord I'll be devastated if my job isn't ok with my work schedule"

"How many days in a row is acceptable to wear your hair in a ponytail?"

"I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW TO PERFORM OSTOMY CARE"

"I wish I was like Samantha on Bewitched and could wiggle my nose and my house be clean. Maybe it'll work, I've never tried it"

*tries it*

"Damn"


And the list goes on...

I've got two finals and a check off this week and a paper due and a FINAL check off next week. In the final check off we'll get to choose out of a list of skills and have to perform at least 2 of them. And we won't know what we're doing until we get in there. So we have to practice them all. I've been practicing a lot and studying a lot and I'm always gripped my fear that it isn't enough.

And come May 1, it's just going to get worse. I'm in class 5 days a week and have SO much homework. Plus weekly clinicals.

I'm nervous because when I got this new job I thought I'd be able to work 3-7pm M-F. Well that's not the case this trimester since my Monday class goes until 4;15 and my clinicals MAY last past 3 (they're scheduled until 4;30 but the class I'm in now is scheduled until 5:30 and we NEVER stay near that long.) Granted I'll be at the same hospital but still...

I'm just so nervous about broaching the subject with them. I love this job! It's been my dream to work in this hospital and I could see myself staying there forever (obviously..hopefully...as a nurse). I'm going to lay low until after finals and then in about a month I'll bring it up to my manager. And the chips will fall where they may. Fingers and toes crossed, prayers sent up, candles lit!

Not to mention that tomorrow I had to call in so I could do my girlfriendly duty and take my boyfriend to the surgery center for a nerve block and then bring him home and look after him. At least I'll get lots of studying done, so that's something..

Speaking of studying, I better get back to it. I can't believe the trimester is almost over! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel..we're almost there!

Almost there!

Wow it's been a busy few weeks! I totally meant to update on my last clinical experience but I got so busy I forgot. I'll sum it all up in a few sentences: I love connecting with patients and hearing their stories. I had the sweetest 84 year old man who kept me laughing all day. My teacher schooled me on charting and assessing, both of which were sorely lacking, but I'm learning. It stressed me out, but I'll get there!

I started my new job last week at a local hospital. I LOVE IT! I'll be working PRN (as needed) in the Admissions office. I'm in training right now, but I can already tell I'll love the job. One thing I'm stressed about though- I thought I could work 3-7pm M-F, but unfortunately one class will last until 4:15 on M and clinical (at the same hospital) may go past 3pm as well. I'm really worried I'll end up being fired, but all of my friends assure me they'll work with me...but we'll see. I have a month or so to worry about THAT so right now I'll worry about...

FINALS

Yes finals. Final exam, final skills check off. BLAH. I also have an IV therapy check off coming up too. For final skills check off we won't know which skills we will have to perform until we get there..so we have to practice them all. Oy..my Easter break doesn't feel so much like an Easter break. I don't think I'll truly get a break until I graduate.

Did I mention I also have an online class thingy and a paper/project due too? Kill me now.

I've been volunteering at a local Victorian house museum for awhile and LOVE it! Some days it's the only thing that keeps me from getting so stressed I wind up in the crazy bin. There's a big annual Spring benefit coming up and come hell or highwater I will be there. I need fun in my life!

I've been bombarded today with the marriage equality issue that's going before SCOTUS. This is what I think

1- I'm not here to judge how other people live their lives. I need to concentrate on the plank in my eye instead of the speck in someone else's. He who is without sin cast the first stone kind of thing. (See I'm Catholic for 6 years and can still quote Scripture). I'm supposed to love people "Love thy neighbor as thyself" and its the "greatest commandment" (there I go again ;) )

2- As nurses, you're supposed to put your personal feelings aside and care for each person without prejudice. Everyone deserves equal treatment..the BEST treatment. The only way I can truly achieve that way of thinking is too use it in every aspect of my life.

3- Separation of church and state. God defined Christian marriage yes,,but sadly some people forget that not everyone in the good ole U.S. of A is Christian. They don't make me follow their religion, I won't make them follow mine Religious freedom is just what it says- religious freedom.

Anyway that's how my life has been lately! I'll try to update during Finals week. Until then I have homework to do, skills to practice and a paper to write. It never stops!

Michelle Malone, S.N. B.C.H.S

The start of this trimester which marks the start of my junior year, I became obsessed with the fact that I now have initials. Of course, I've always had the MRM, but now I have the all important initials BEHIND my name. Those initials will stay there until  I can replace them with Michelle Malone, R.N., B.S.N. Holy cheese on a cracker I can't wait until that day. I never really thought about graduation until this semester. Because I'm now in the last part of the program.I have 5 full trimesters left and then graduation, and then NCLEX and then LIFE! But I digress...

Today was my first clinical experience. Until now, it's been all mannequins, lab partners, and case studies. Today, I got to walk into a patients room and present myself as part of their healthcare team. If that doesn't make you want to puke, I'm not sure what will. I did survive today, as did my patients, so I stack that up in the win column. I wasn't ordered out of anyone's room or no one demanded to know why I deemed myself worthy to take care of them. All good things right?

We get to the hospital around 6:50 am and met in the lobby. The teachers said they'd split us into groups and send us on our merry way. I hissed to one of our lab instructors to put me in her group. She kind of laughed and said that they were already assigned. And of course, I got the dreaded teacher that everyone is afraid of. "WHY ME?" For a fleeting moment I thought about heading out the door and back to my car, but I managed to squash that feeling and follow the other 5 students and our teacher upstairs.

After a quick tour of the floor, we got settled into the conference room, and the teacher said she'd be back. She came back with our patient assignments. She starts spouting off all of these problems our patient had and I was having trouble keeping up. She also said he was 83 year old male on Cumadin. Wellll....that made me super nervous. For those that don't know, that's a "blood thinner" which basically mean his blood doesn't clot and bruising can be a real issue.We were dismissed and sent off to our patients' rooms. My partner and I both stopped short before going in. The teacher looked at us and said "Why do you look so scared? Just go!" and I said "Well I need a minute" and she said "You've been waiting to start clinicals for 2 years. Now you're here. Get to it!" We both looked at each other, I shrugged and knocked on his door. No turning back now...

Well long story short that patient went to surgery so there wasn't much we could do for him since he wanted to sleep. Our teacher sent us to bathe another patient who spoke little to no English (Chinese was his first language) and his wife spoke just a HAIR more English than he did. She was also very insistent that we do the bath HER way...and she proceeded to strip his gown off and leave him butt naked in the middle of the room. Poor guy...

My lessons for today:

1- You can never have too much coffee
2- Nurses never stop moving. So if you get mad when you or a loved one is in the hospital and the nurse "Takes too long" just know that she has anywhere from 4-6 more patients so she's tending to their needs too, not just hanging out at the nurses station as some people think
3- Wives whose husbands are in the hospital are dangerous people. They watch EVERY move you make.
4- Nurses HAVE to be flexible.
5- I really need sleep
6- Nursing school, especially clinicals, makes you very religious. God becomes your best friend (if he wasn't already)

We had a Blessing of the Hands ceremony today after clinicals which was nice. It really helped to remind us that we're called to nursing and that God is on our side.

We go back to the hospital next week, then another check off, then finals. THEN my "break" (in which I'm expected to study dosage and brush up on skills). Then Adult 1. Whew.

I start my job Monday at the same hospital that I have clinicals at. I'll be working a PRN (as needed) job in the Admissions office. I've tried, cried and prayed about finding a job at this hospital for YEARS so I'm super excited. Now I'm just praying that they'll  be able to accomodate all of my crazy school schedule for the next year and a half.

And now I must collapse into bed. Because I feel like I'm moving on auto-pilot. Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into...

As promised!

Here's a little update into what's going on in my world right now:

Yep.

I mean really. Everyone (who's not a classmate) keeps saying ," It'll be worth it one day" Yeah I know..but that one day is a long ways away. Until then, I will continue to moan and groan and complain and cry and scream my way through clinicals.

I actually can't believe my first clinical is Thursday. I feel like I've been in school forever. I almost laugh when I remember how hard I thought it was....I look back on that girl and just want to pat her on the head and say "You're so cute." I seriously had no idea what I was in for. I had my usual freak out at the beginning of the semester and failed a couple of things (not miserably but I still failed). Then I decided that a) I can only repeat so many classes before I'm booted out of the program and I'll be damned if it's the first class in the clinical program and b) it was put up or shut up time. So I did manage to pull my grade up to about an 80 which is a high C...just need to keep it there through finals!

We went to the hospital for training on the chart system that the hospital uses. Of course they'll be switching to a new system in a year so I'll have to learn that one too (great). I was still having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that we were caring for real, live people soon. I even said, "Their not plastic anymore. They're real!" I was thinking I was the only person in the world to feel like that, except I found a nursing student blog on the internet and she said almost the exact same thing. WHEW! Maybe I'm not crazy after all!

Well, I'll wrap it up here. I have a few book assignments for another class to do, a research paper, plus I have final skills checkoff, final exams and clinicals to prepare for. I did FINALLY get a job at the hospital I'll be having clinicals at in the admissions office. I start that next week so I'm super excited!