Bump in the road

So apparently my enthusiastic promise to myself to blog at least a few times a week didn't go very well....so umm yeah. Time to play catch up!

After a poor showing on my first Adult 2 test (68!!) I rallied and made an 80 on the second test. Yay! I'm much more optimistic. I just need to keep it up, study well for the HESI..because the HESI can replace my lowest test grade if I make above a 900 so that'll definitely help me out.

Nursing Research is well....nursing research. But I'll just be happy to get out of the class haha.

So on the work front..things are  little shaky there. I'll try to 'splain the best I can. When I was first hired I thought I could work M-F. Easy peasy. Well a few months later I found out I couldn't because of school. I went to my manager and told him what happened. He assured me it could be worked out..so I started working Tu and Thurs. Granted 8 hours a week, when you're driving about 40 miles round trip for work is pretty pointless. So much so I was about to resign..except the manager at the Emergency Room offered to let me pick up extra hours there. So yay! That went on for a few months and then we find out that the first manager who agreed to the schedule change in the first place announced he was leaving. So that put me in a weird position.

Why? Because That left no one to cover for me while I was not there for 3 days a week, So manager that was leaving and HIS manager (ultimately my supervisor) called me into his office and she stated that she was going to have to replace me and she'd see if I could go to the ER permanently. Ok...so that I understand. She needs someone who can work 5 days a week. BUT...she basically accused me of lying about my avaliblity when I was interviewed...which I didn't.  I am not ok with people accusing me of lying.

Well a few weeks go by...and I hear nothing. So I approached she manager to see what she'd decided or found out. This was done via email..frankly because 1) I don't like talking to her face to face and 2) we were always way too busy for me to actually get her alone. I copied everyone involved (her, dept supervisor, and two ER managers) She then responds (quite nastily) and takes out a manager (that she doesn't like). She again accuses me of lying and states that it was up to me to talk to the ER manager because she did and was  told they didn't have a job available I could get.

So I did..I talked to the ER manager and she acknowledged she didn't have the type of position I needed. She said I could speak to the department super and it was up to her to decide. So I did. And she assured me she would work on it.

Is this getting crazy confusing yet?

Well this past Friday she manager said to me "They don't have a position open and I wanted to give you a chance to resign before I have to fire you due to attendance. I am going to have to put you on the schedule and then you'll have to call in the days you can't work because of school and I have to fire you under the new attendance policy once you call in so much." I replied "Well dept super is working on getting me transferred to the ER" she says "Well you can talk to her again but the ER has nothing open. Hopefully we'll give you a final answer by Tuesday."

So I emailed dept super. A simple "Hey I'm following up..." I read her reply today. She says " she manager will talk to you Tuesday"

Da da DUMMMM

So tomorrow may be my last day at work,...because that sounds pretty ominious. Honestly I'm not happy with the way things are going now. Because my schedule hasn't change..and she was ok with it until now. The only thing I'm terrified of is being unemployed and not being able to pay my out of pocket in the summer (because my financial aid won't cover my whole tuition). And I'm terrified of not being able to hack it in school, failing out, and all of this craziness will have been for nothing.

I feel like so far 2014 has been nothing but a test of my patience and faith. I'm really trying to have faith that everything will work out.. I know God wants me in nursing school...so I'm just counting on Him that there's something better right around the corner. And then my degree!! (If God is good :) )

Meanwhile I'm going to try to be thankful for what I do have, spend less money, and enjoy this wonderful weather, FINALLY sunny and 60s! And I'll be thankful I'm not as hateful and as unhappy of a person as she manager.

Oops!

So it's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been so BUSY! And the blogspot form has been screwy every time I've tried to get on.

But anyway...

A short recap of my last semester...

I managed to get out of Adult 1 with a B. That's great for me! Now I'm faced with this horrible semester. I'm literally terrified of this semester I just started. Adult 2 and Research! Do I need to add that my clinical instructor terrifies me? Because she does. Also, my safety net is gone. I've repeated a class...so now it's all or nothing. I don't have a choice but to pass or else I'm kicked out of school. I may lose my mind before April comes around.

I have a feeling that a lot may change in 2014. Some good...some bad. It's going to be a wild ride!

I'm still working at Baptist even though I'm scared that that might change pretty soon. The manager that approved my school schedule is leaving at the end of the month. The manager that is in charge said she was "going to have to replace me." and "hopefully the ED can use you but no matter what I will  be finding someone else" So I guess I just have to wait and see? Except I can't.

I have to work. I have tuition in the summer that's coming out of my pocket. So as sad as it makes me, I guess I'll have to put some feelers out.

Well I could go on and on.Except I have homework and Downton Abbey comes on. I promise to be better about blogging this year. And not just about nursing school too. I'll keep you entertained with all sorts of wonderful aspects of me :)

Just like that..another one begins

So I was so excited about my break from school. It seemed SOO long.I did get a nice weekend getaway to Nashville, just me and my mom. It was so nice to be able to relax and get out of town for even a weekend. Helped me ensure that I'd go into the new semester completely relaxed. And yes..>I'm repeating Adult 1. *BIG SIGH* Trust me, that was NOT in the cards for nursing school. In fact I'll be in nursing school a lot long than I'd originally planned. But, I guess the whole point is to be the best nurse I can be, not necessarily graduate the quickest. Its so funny, today was the first day I saw my old clinical instructor since last semester when I confided to her I was probably going to repeat. She was nothing but encouraging today. She gave me a big hug and assured me that this was the best thing for me. She said some of her best students in her senior class had to repeat adult 1. Even though the teachers didn't acknowledge that I was repeating, they also seemed to be nice to me. It's nice to know that they don't regard me as a horrible student since I'm repeating. It'll be interesting to see what the semester brings that's for sure! I'm excited about my new clinical instructor too. I heard she's great and the floor I'm on sounds like it'll be quite interesting :) I've even managed to get some semblance of a gym schedule back. I've re-uped on Weight Watchers..again. Don't ask how many times I've joined because I've lose count. But I'm slowly but surely getting back into the saddle. Just like school, it doesn't matter how quickly I do it, but that I do it the best I can! I've been working some crazy hours at work. But that's ok. I really like working in the ER. I pretty much can work WHENEVER I need to, and I like that I'm becoming valuable down there..since I have a feeling change is coming in the department I started in. Whatever happens though, I love where I work. I can really see myself retiring from there! We've stated back in PREP at church too. My class is definitely proving to be entertaining this year. I'm looking forward to what's to come. I've been doing dismissal again for the kids coming through RCIA. They'll eventually take the sacaraments (Communion, Baptism, Confirmation) at Easter Vigil (like I did.) I love my church, my parish family, and my faith and I hope that they find the same comfort and love. It still amazes me the misconceptions that some people have about the Catholic faith and the downright objections they have to it when you simply explain. I've come to realize that everyone's spiritual journey is different but we should never criticize what paths others take to God. I've had people ask me about Catholic beliefs then tell me I'm wrong, with pity in their voice. Like "You actually believe that? really?" It's sad to me really. But all I can do is continue to live the Catholic faith the best way I know how and simply pray for those that criticize Catholicism and refuse to actually listen to what it's really about. Today marks the 12th anniversary of September 11. I still remember Sept 11 2001 like it was yesteday. I was a senior in high school and in first period when I heard the news. It still makes me terribly sad, and I hope and pray we can find some peace in this world and avoid tragedy like this again. Because of remembering Sept 11 I started reminiscing about how I thought my life would be now back then. I can honestly say my life is NOTHING like I'd thought it'd be 12 years ago. But I wouldn't have it any other way :)

Holding pattern

Well this is supposed to be my glorious break from school. It has been pretty glorious I can tell you that :) However, since I have to (sadly) repeat the class I took last semester. I have to wait to see if the Dean will let me in for the Fall or if I have to wait until Spring. AND the financial aid office is still working up my file. Which should've been done WEEKS ago... AND since I do have to repeat a class, it looks like I'm not enrolled in school at all since they deleted the classes I'd previously registered for. I do not like to be waiting on like 3 people to decide my fate for the Fall. I had decided with my advisor that I'd declare a minor and take THOSE classes in the Fall, should the Dean say she can't immediately place me back in the class. But all of this frustration makes me want to run the other way. Why do I pay boatloads of money to these people to make my life miserable???

On a more positive note, I've gotten to go to Woodruff Fontaine more since I've been out of school and I always LOVE that. I went to a costume department for the local theater to look at Victorian dresses as possibles to use for our Haunted Happenings and other events going on that weekend in October. That's always fun. I swear I should quit nursing school and become a history major!

 I've been working more at work too. In the ER! It's insane and fantastic all at the same time. (Ok I must admit I had fantasies of working in the ER since ER was on TV) FOr now, I'm going to try to push school to the farthest back of my mind and concentrate on what I can do to relax during break. And worse comes to worse, I'll run away from home before I have to tell Mike or my parents I have to take a semester off.

Sometimes life throws you a curveball

I started out this semester with the best of intentions. I was going to be the best student ever and really impress my teachers.

However...sometimes things don't go quite the way you plan...

I won't go into the gory details, just simply leave it at I'm probably looking at repeating this class.Which means a later graduation date...


*BIG SIGH*

My first initial thought was, "How could I be such a disappointment?" I've let everyone in my life down. After I retook the HESI Friday (We definitely won't touch THAT debacle), I was pretty upset. I managed to leave school without breaking down and headed to my car where I was about to start sobbing. Then I remembered I had to meet my clinical instructor to sign my final eval. Crap. I knew I was about to break my rule about not letting my teachers see me cry.

I managed to gather my composure and go meet her. She gave me a look and I knew SHE knew what had happened so I told her. She was so sweet and gave me the best advice. She said it would only make me better and that there have been a lot (she stressed this word) good (stressed this also) students who've had to repeat Adult 1 and they've gone onto graduate. She said it only made them better and not to beat myself up over it.

So I'm trying not to.

I'm still headed to take the final tomorrow (even though that's an exercise in futility if I've ever seen one). And then I guess I'll be meeting with the Dean to talk about my progression and if I can get right back into the class.

I'm heartbroken at the thought of my friends moving on without me. But I know they'll rock it and I'm right behind them! I had loads of great experiences this semester though...like the OR and clinical!

So I'm actually ok with everything that's happened. I still know that nursing school is where God wants me to be. And I intend on graduating no matter if I'm 80 when I do! (That'll be interesting though).

On another note, I'm still completely loving my job at the hospital! I've been working in the ER some too...and it gets CRAZY down there! But I wouldn't have it any other way :)

Beginning Again

deep breaths...


It was a long week.

I felt like a fool in clinical. Falling behind. Doing dumb things (squirting saline on the ceiling.....*facepalm*), fumbling with things I KNOW. Generally making a boob out of myself.

And I can't stop thinking about it.

I think I have anxiety issues. I'm trying everything. Then I'll go to the doctor to get meds. Because it's miserable. I'm anxious to the point of paranoia about dumb things.

Failing my first HESI didn't help.

And to make matters worse I felt like everyone was talking about me this week. Stupid right? I'm almost 30 years old in college for god's sake. It's not like I'm in jr high. If it was my teacher..then she would've said something TO me. So....  I'm sure they weren't. Maybe.... AHHH!! See? Anxious to the point of paranoia.

Good thing is, today is Sunday. I get a whole new week. Another chance to shine and put the dumb stuff from THIS week behind me. I'm going to study, try to get ahead on school work, try to get some exercise in, and try to relax. Because now, I'm liable to have a stroke.

I'm headed to Mass. To relax, light a candle, and pray. I refuse to go at a breakneck speed this week. I'm going to try to relax. Enjoy life. Take walks outside (because I'm broke and that's all I can afford). Connect with my patient in clinical. Those are my goals this week. And I am getting a physical, CBC, and possibly a prescription for anti-anxiety pills

We'll see how it goes

It just got real

So if anyone is actually keeping up with this blog (unlike tatatothegirls, I started this one purely for my own benefit), you're probably wondering why I haven't posted in awhile.

Well, I'll 'splain.

I've been busier than a one armed paper hanger.

Did you catch that? I Love Lucy reference AND Steel Magnolias reference. BAM. I'm that good.

Ok, no really. School has been crazy! I've been officially in clinical at the hospital twice. We pre-assess the day before clinical, in which we talk to the patient, assess them and gather data out of their chart. By that I mean, labs, meds, diagnostic tests, admitting diagnosis, diet, activity level, etc,etc. Then we come home, write patho on said diagnosis, fill out a 13 page "data sheet" in which we intrepret everything and then be in the hospital before 7 am. Needless to say I'm exhausted!!!!! Everyone EVERYONE says "it gets easier" Well... we'll see.

Then of course there's my actual schoolwork. I feel like I'm barely treading water, drowning in a sea of NCLEX and Hesi books. When I graduate I swear I'm making a bonfire with those.

I seriously feel like I'm going nuts. I try to take breaks for myself but I'm always thinking about school. NO matter what! I cannot wait to be done. This week was the lowest point I've ever been at. I seriously wanted to quit. But I didn't... However most everyone that's actually been through nursing school knows exactly how I feel. Then...there's those that don't

This past week I had a scuffle (that's putting it mildly) with a "friend." The "friend" who actually was co-coordinating the Memphis FORCE group with me that I started. So I am no longer a part of Memphis FORCE. It makes me sad...however I can't put the type of time needed into the group. When I started the group my goal was for no one to have to go through HBOC alone that was in the Memphis area. Now, there's a group. Even though I'm not a part of it anymore, I'm still proud of what was accomplished and that no one has to feel alone again.

Now I really don't want to get into details about this scuffle. Except...I'm not sure the "friend" was a "friend" to begin with. To me, a friendship is a mutual sharing of information. A mutual respect..a relationship. I started to get that I wasn't in a true friendship when I realized that she knew literally nothing about me. We'd known each other for a year or so and she literally knew nothing. And she never asked. In fact, before I got my new job, she didn't even know where I worked. I'm not sure if she knew I was adopted either. Or really anything about me. So while I'm a little sad over how things ended, I know it was for the best. I couldn't fit into the mold of what she wanted in a friend (a sheep basically...I mean the girl won't talk to people who disagree with her over the most trivial things.) so it was necessary that we part ways. Sad, but for the greater good I think.

I've put in an order at Amazon for all of these nursing school self help books. Not that I'll actually have time to READ them...but anything will be helpful. I feel like I'm hanging on to a cliff by my fingertips and barely holding on....

According to my counter it's 554 days until graduation. We'll see if I can hang on!